apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
