apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
