My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
