I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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