Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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