Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I think my vagina is haunted
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
