OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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