Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
