I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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