I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
