the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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