i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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