Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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