Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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