1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
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I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
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You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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