well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
