I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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