You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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