I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
