And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
