never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
