I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
