I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
