Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
