I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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