im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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