I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
