i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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