I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Randomize
