Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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