You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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