Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
