Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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