i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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