I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
