Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I wear drunk well.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
