Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
