i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
