I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
