I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
