if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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