Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
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oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize