life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
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