dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
