I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I have post one night stand depression
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
