It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
