Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
