Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(650): View more from California

i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.

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(406): View more from Montana

she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(979): View more from Texas

i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.

(903): View more from Texas

wow. i have no words.

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(210): View more from Texas

beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?

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(407): View more from Florida

Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.

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(404): View more from Georgia

YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!

(678): View more from Georgia

correction: escorted out

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.

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