Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
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so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
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Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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