captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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