Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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