I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
