and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
