I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
