oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
